This blog is a long and emotional process of writing and remembering a little bit at a time. Thank you all for your support and encouragement as I tell my story. There are so many pieces involved. It's not like one of those "beginner puzzles." (For ages 3 and under) It is more like one of those huge puzzles, like your grandma puts together, a few tiny pieces at a time. But, in the end, a big, beautiful picture covers the table! So, be patient with me and I will try to be patient with myself, as I slowly but surely put this puzzle together. Sometimes it takes me a few weeks to post something new, but I will keep writing! More to come... Tuesday, October 6, 2009
So, About This blog...
This blog is a long and emotional process of writing and remembering a little bit at a time. Thank you all for your support and encouragement as I tell my story. There are so many pieces involved. It's not like one of those "beginner puzzles." (For ages 3 and under) It is more like one of those huge puzzles, like your grandma puts together, a few tiny pieces at a time. But, in the end, a big, beautiful picture covers the table! So, be patient with me and I will try to be patient with myself, as I slowly but surely put this puzzle together. Sometimes it takes me a few weeks to post something new, but I will keep writing! More to come... 
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Hey Jessie
ReplyDeleteJust checking in to see how you are doing! I am guessing you have just been busy with "life" lately so that is a good sign!
Hi jessie,
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine directed me to your blog. I read it a few weeks back and have thought if writing you ever since. I want to thank you for posting this. I have recently dealt with a similar experience after having my second child in April of last year (2010). There are several differences in our stories, but I went through a severe time of 'clinical anxiety' as you called it in one of your posts, and I know how real it is. It was actually a little difficult reading one of your postings because it brought back some of those awful feelings. The feeling of going crazy, losing all conrol, of wanting to just run out of the house screaming for no reason, of bursting into tears at any moment. That anxiety that has no root... just anxiety. luckily I didn't go as long as you before finding a doctor (also a shrink :) that could help me. I have grown up in the church and have been a strong Christian as long as I can remember, and I think one of the hardest parts of all this was a feeling of shame... for needing medicine and feeling like I just didn't have enough faith to overcome it on my own. I would go whole nights without sleeping (because I couldn't fall asleep) My anxiety was off the charts (and I have never any issues with depression/anxiety). part of my circumstances were due to some other prescription medications I was on, in particular prednisone (a steroid), prescribed to me for a horrendous rash I broke out from taking antibiotics I was allergic to. When my baby was 3 wks old and after I was on this steroid for 10 days, the "crazies' started. For me this lasted about a month before I finally found the right doctor (the post-partum guru of Seattle, as he is called). But it was a month of absolute hell as I know you can relate to. i thought I would need to check myself into a mental institution as you almost did and was so afraid of never being able to take care of my children... of never being able to fall asleep on my own again and function like a normal person (not knowing what was wrong with me I was prescribed Ambien to sleep, plus Xanax which didn't seem to help me for some reason. I had a whole medicine cabinet full of pills!). in mid-June, after about a month of not knowing what was wrong with me, I went to my gynecologist and they said I definitely had PPD and also some psychosis going on! I was mortified but also didn't really care at that point what medications they gave me. I just wanted to feel better. The next day I went to see the psychiatrist. After talking to him for an hour and a half he diagnosed me with post-partum hypersensitivity and said I did not need the anti-depressants prescribed to me by the guynecologist, but instead gave me some anti-anxiety medication (clonazamap). it has worked for me but it has been a roller coaster year of emotion, not understanding why this happened. Being angry at the doctors who gave me steroids when they knew I just had a baby (which helped create the perfect storm, as my shrink called it). Feeling like a big failure for not being able to get better without meds. I am still on them, but am in process of dosing down. It is slow going but I am trying to be patient about it. All this to say... I guess I am just grateful that there are other women... other Godly women out there who understand and who have been through a similar nightmare.. and who are now completely healed! This experience has changed me through and through. I was very shaky for a long time, even after starting the meds, and just in the past couple of months have started to feel like my old self again. I want to be completely off the meds but am trying to not let the fact that I am still on them get me down. Anyways, thank you again for your full disclosure on your experience. I know that soon and not far from now I will be completely healed as you are.
Jessica