Not only did the PPD distance me from my own baby, but I had a resentment about babies/mommies in general because of my experience. Normally, I love babies. I love to hold them, and like to see moms with their kids, and families being together. But I can remember feeling hurt and un-interested in even one of my closest friend's new baby. She would come over and visit with me, and I would watch her playing with her new daughter and I couldn't connect. I didn't want to hold her baby, and I was jealous that she could be so playful with her and I couldn't feel that way toward Israel. Another one of my good friends had her baby just a few weeks after I had Izzy, at the same birthing center, (a little boy) and I felt really out of place being the only "depressed" one of the bunch. PPD isolated me from the normal "new moms" circle, and I hated that. I hated it for my friends, too. I wanted to be there for them. I wanted to bring them meals and cuddle their babies and go out together. But I just didn't feel like it. I just wasn't there yet. It felt like a huge waste of time, like I was missing out on our new journey as moms. I can never get that time back, but thankfully, my friends were very understanding and we are now able to hang out and watch our kids play together. Recently, my sister-in-law had her second baby girl and I was able to hold her, calmly and happily in my arms. I soaked it in, remembering that just over a year ago, I was nowhere near that place. Another small victory!
It also made me wish I could go back to when Izzy was an infant and hold him again.