Sunday, February 28, 2010

Medical Help Part 4

I continued taking "Paxil" (which replaced Lexapro) every day for about 6 more months, as well as Xanax as needed, but weaned off of "Risperdal" pretty quickly. There was another medication that my psychiatrist prescribed to me, in addition to the others, but after some research, I drew the line after taking one dose. I was already concerned about the combination of drugs I had been taking, and after taking one of the "new" pills, I ended up on the couch of my neighbor's house the rest of the morning, crying, detached and a little loopy. Yes, I needed more help, but no, I did not need more drugs! It was a frustrating process. I felt more and more like it was all "temporary" and "surface" kind of help. Though it was necessary at the time, It didn't get to the root of the problem. But, I was thankful for each "band-aid" that came along to protect me from even deeper damage being done.
By the end of the year (a goal I had set) I was able to wean off of Paxil for good. (And by the way, almost immediately, finally started to lose weight. The medication had caused me to keep most of my extra "baby" weight on, no matter how much I exercised or how healthy I was eating. I have dropped 25 pounds since then! Nothing like an "antidepressant" that makes you fat! Seems a little counter-productive.) I was taking Xanax a lot less often too, and luckily never developed an addiction to it.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Singing In The Rain

Yesterday, I was sitting at my keyboard, which is right in front of my office window, out-looking a neighborhood street and some trees. It was raining, and I had the window open, watching the rain fall, singing, listening. I noticed I could hear birds singing, and saw a few of them flying around, eating from a bird-feeder in my neighbor's yard. God spoke to me through this. I could hear birds singing and the sound of the rain simultaneously! He said "Birds can sing in the Rain." And I am learning to do just that. Birds know that the storm won't last, and it doesn't stop them from being who they are and doing what they do. They just keep on singing. I started writing a new song, and the first few lyrics are:
"Sitting right here at my window seat. I listen to the rain and the birdies sing and I hear
God speak to me. And He says, 'Birds know how to the rain.' "

I have done more singing lately, both publicly and privately. It is feeling more like home again. Less like a dread or fear to face, and more like an outlet of joy and re-connection to what I did for so many years before my "storm" hit. It is who I am. I am still a bird! I have to keep singing.
(and playing and writing and worshipping...) I called my dear friend and someone I consider a mentor, Lenny LeBlanc, about my song yesterday, and he added that "Birds can fly even with a broken wing." It reminded me of a time, when I was in the dark pit of depression in 2008, when my husband and I were walking around the lake. I looked at a bird that was hopping around on the grass, and one of his wings look injured. I had been praying for God to make me "whole" again, and he whispered a truth to my heart. Just like the little bird, whose wing was injured but "wholly there" (none of it was missing) He showed me that I was still whole, (completely me) too, just broken. If you feel like you can't even function, because of what you are going through, just know that God made you and He will mend you, in His time. It does not change who you are! Don't let your storm steal your song. And keep flying even if your wings feel broken.
"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles..." Isaiah 40:31