Friday, June 19, 2009

"JOURNAL ENTRIES AND EXCERPTS" 1

APRIL 17. 2008:

I am hungry but don't have an appetite. sleep is relief when it comes, until my eyes open again. Simple decisions are hard. Normal life seems huge to me, hard to grasp. Yet I miss it painfully. Progress seems so small and slow, and the "set-back" worry lurks around the corner. I have cried and cried, and tried and tried, with what little is in me. In the resevoir of my spirit, somewhere, deep down is deep water to draw from. I am taking tiny sips of survival, doing what I know to do...all i know to do. Everything is foggy right now, even in my head. I look but don't fully see. Touch, but don't truly feel. This is the disconnect I even feel, and perhaps especially feel with my new baby. (at least in the natural) But I fight the feeling of a disconnect with my God, too. "Yet i will praise." YET...God is my hope, my only hope. I must trust. "whom have I but you?" These are things you sing about, talk about, read about and believe on a certain level, but those beliefs are tested to the core when you are "crushed" and somehow keep breathing, and therefore, keep praising. When the Lord says he is the "lifter of our head," it just sounds like strong encouragement, until you literally can't keep your head above water without his hand picking it up! And then it falls, and He helps you again...and again...and again. But why God, won't you pick ALL of me up and take me out of this dangerous water? My head is tired from the struggle, as is my body, mind and soul. I have never gone through something this hard, or this grueling. I have in mind to run a marathon one day, but if i don't get the chance, I can look back and remember that I have already been through the longest test of endurance...my present trial. I have already run a thousand "marathons" in the last few weeks, that I didn't even "train" for, or so I thought. I would never have expected all of this to happen. I wish I could go back to the beginning, right after Israel was born and erase all of this, be a happy mommy and enjoy the new life I expected. Now, I not only fight to get back to the "new normal" but just the "normal" I already knew is very difficult to get back to. I want to live again! Fully live. Jesus came to give an abundant life. It does not bring him joy to see his daughter wounded in this way. RISE UP LIKE A MIGHTY WARRIOR AND RESCUE ME!!! 
I do not wish to be bitter. I do not want to take steps back anymore. I want to get on with it. enough already! May the healing come! This was not my fault. The enemy will not win. When I come out of this, tested in the fire, I will come out shining like pure gold, under the glory of my Father. God, have your glory!! I cannot carry this burden. I carried the reward for 9 months, and now I carry him in my arms. But not this trial...this affliction...I need it taken. Let me "lay aside this weight" and run freely again, the race you have marked out for me.

2 comments:

  1. Hi, Jessie! I love your blog. Very insightful. I have a question to ask you regarding a song you wrote and would love to send you an email about it. Is there any way to contact you directly? Not sure how we can do this without everyone seeing our info. :) Check out my blog too if you get a moment. Might be fun. Blessings!

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  2. Lisa Jackson - Jacksonluv2write@aol.comFebruary 14, 2010 at 5:36 PM

    I just came across your blog after checking out your website. You came to the church I used to attend in Conyers Georgia a few years ago and ministered during a youth concert. I have your "Out of the Fire" CD and I share it with everyone who enjoys pure worship. I thank God for healing you through your storm. Like you said, when you come Out of the Fire you will be like new gold. You are already healed and for some reason this was your test so that you can have a testimony to share with other new moms who are going to go through PPD and will need someone to connect with them. Be encouraged. I love your music, and I am praying for you and your family because you are truly a gift to the Kingdom. Blessings!

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